So for tonight I pray for what I think could be
Health, wellness, wholeness.
Tonight's prayer will repeat the plea
The beckoning of a day with less dark clouds and painful memories
Of the haunting thoughts of the unknown

Tonight I pray for strength for tomorrow
I have no reserves to help me through it
So I look to you
From whence all my help come from

Tonight, I ask you to listen keenly
I need you more tonight.

At First sight

I want to give you the right impression at first sight
I want you to to not see my battles and scars
I want you to think me worthy
I want you to desire my heart

Ache

He aches
He stares

He ponders if they'll think they know
He decides to stop thinking about them

He lives
Aching and living
as an aching man

Oh how I miss Ms Gigli-Shae Lawrence

Her nose

Her warm kisses

Her demanding barks

Her eager, curious stares

Her protection 

Her comfort

My baby

My puppy

My friend

She is not the only thing whose light I miss. Each day I reminisce on those animals, places, people and things which brightened my spirit and renewed my faith in humanity and God's goodness. 

The numbers are adding up. There are more people, places, animals and things which are permeating the resistant resident dark cloud. Of course they are joined by the forces which perpetuate my doom, deviance, denial, selfishness.

It's funny how most people speak of bullying in schools and public spaces.  It's funny how home is supposed to be a place of comfort and safety. 

It's funny how I used to enlighten other's darkness, how I brought laughter to hearts.  What do I bring now? Especially to these 'significant others'?

I miss those days when I longed for home

When I longed for the warmth of her

Her cooking,

Her singing

Her voice

Now I am repulsed by the sound of her footsteps 

She's repulsed by me

I miss those days when I didn't long

Too much

When I felt more ok 

Than not

When I didn't feel like tsote 

Where home is a place of invitation only

And my invite was forgotten.

2016: A Brief Update

It has been quite a while since I last blogged. It's not due to a  a lack of thoughts or words. 
I've realised that my thoughts, words and dreams are worth more than being trampled upon by the negativity that permeates my immediate surrounding. 

I have learned to keep them safe in the bosom of my heart, guarding them from laughs, jeers, questions and complaints. It is a much simpler way of living. 

So I trod quietly on the earth, careful to upset none, careful not to trod too loudly, just , mouse around. 
It's not quite the life I'd imagine. It's not quite living at all, but it's simpler,and simple is what we want right now.