It grew harder and harder because what brought me much pleasure was lost. Or so I thought. Dressing up reminded me of the pain and the pleasure, songs, things, everything. I felt a need to mourn the loss of a thing by feeling pain through everything. Nothing lovely about that. And I try again to relax, but fail.
I remember my last successful attempt and the one before it. I remember the music, the people, the warmth, the belonging I felt. I remember her. When I sort the clips in my mind and relegate her to the back burners, I can see that I enjoyed that night because of many things, and not just her. So I'm free to enjoy songs and music and dances from that night. It wasn't all about her.
Truth is, she's gone. My light doesn't have to go. I can still smile, I can still feel, I can still love. Love isn't a finite resource. I can make it and give it and receive it as much as I live, as much as I let. I won't allow my light to dimmed by the sounds, smells and things that remind me of that night. Because I also danced, I sang, I drank, I loved and also lost.
I will hold on to the comradarie I felt, the warmth of the love of my brothers and sisters, the happy sights of people enjoying themselves, the belongingness, the pleasure.
I'll climb aboard a vessel intended for sharing love and peace, pleasure and leisure.
Though I remember the feeling of belonging, I know there aren't many places that have that to offer. I know I am a fountain of love. You have taught me that even if it is not received, that I can still pour into those who want it.
For that reason, I'm more interested in going out to give. Give time, food, money, a hug, love , care and whatever of my resources that I have to those who are in need and who want to receive.
Yet,I won't abscond going to a club because I'll have the memory of you like a heavy load burdening me from enjoying myself.
I will give and receive. And I'll give more where it counts more, where it would be valued more.
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